Lance-Corporal Jack Jones
Lance-Corporal Jack Jones was the local Butcher of Walmington-On-Sea. He later became a Lance-Corporal of the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard Platoon. Personality Jones was born in 1870 in Walmington-On-Sea, and he joined the army as a drummer boy in 1884. Thereafter, he served in four military campaigns—Mahdist War in the Sudan (1884–1885), The British Reconquest of Sudan (1896–1899), The Boer War (1899–1901) and World War I (1914–1918). During his service on the Western Front, he was known as the Mad Bomber, due to his inclination to madly throw grenades. He was signed out of the First World War in 1916. He also once formed part of a Guard of Honour for Queen Victoria. At the outbreak of World War II, Jones was retired from the army and working as a butcher, but he was so keen to join the Home Guard that, despite his age (70), Captain Mainwaring instantly appointed him as the platoon's Lance Corporal. However, it is suggested that Jones' ability to provide off-the-ration meat may have had rather more to do with this decision than Jones' abilities, which given his advanced years were declining somewhat (his vision, for example, was so poor that when signing up for duty, he initially signed the table rather than the form). In many episodes, Jones fondly recalls his time during the Battle of Omdurman in the Sudan, facing the "Fuzzy Wuzzies" under the command of General Kitchener. As an aged veteran, he is extremely fond of Bayonet warfare, and usually meets any queries about this with the assertion that "They don't like it up 'em!" Jones is known for a number of eccentric traits, such as using long, rambling explanations and anecdotes whenever he wants to make a point (which could usually be summed up in a sentence anyway). He is also invariably one step behind the rest of the platoon in any drill manoeuvre. This is apparently a trait he's had his whole military career as a fellow veteran remembered Jones by this trait. Only Twice was Jones witnessed to be in step with the platoon, once after a whole years practice but quickly reverted to form, the next time was when the platoon as a whole took the extra second Jones always does to respond to make them look orderly. He often makes far-fetched suggestions for the platoon, such as advising that they chop off the German prisoners' trouser buttons, on the grounds that if they escaped, a group of German men walking through the town with their trousers around their ankles may cause people to "raise some inquiries". Every time, Jones' suggestions are soundly refuted by Mainwaring with a curt "I think you're wandering into the realms of fantasy, Jones." He however is notably brave eagerly volunteering for even the most suicidal of missions, one example is that during a platoon discussion when the subject of torture came up he declared loudly and excitedly that the platoon should torture him to see what they we're up against. In this instance he failed to calm down when grabbed by other members of the platoon, only returning to normal after being slapped by Frazer. He is also known for using odd turns of phrase such as saying "It would be more tasty for us to tell him" misusing the word tasteful as well as the rather notorious declaration of 'I would go through fire and brimstone and treacle for you sir". Despite his advanced years and physical failings, Jones is extremely excitable and active. He usually meets any situation where action or danger may be imminent by entering a near-hysterical state in which he runs around frantically shouting "Don't panic! DON'T PANIC!" at the top of his voice (usually at some inappropriate moment, such as when holding an armed landmine or hand grenade) until someone manages to calm him down to a state where he is useful. This is often not evidence of fear, however, but of extreme eagerness; a courageous man, Jones is always the first to volunteer for any activity (regardless of any potential danger), and is extremely keen when doing so (and is known to sulk if someone else is chosen for a change). Jones is well remembered for his catchphrases "Don't Panic!", "Permission to speak, Sir?", and of course - "They don't like it up 'em!", a phrase which writer Jimmy Perry remembered an old campaigner using, during his own service in the Home Guard. In one episode, [[The Two and a Half Feathers|''The Two and a Half Feathers ]](a parody of the more famous The Four Feathers) Jones has to confront his past when a former comrade from the Sudan, Private Clarke, joins the Walmington-on-Sea platoon. Clarke accuses Jones of leaving him to die many years ago, following an incident in which both men are attacked and kidnapped by dervishes. After his courage is doubted by the town and the platoon, Jones later vindicates himself with the true story of what happened (nobly held back by Jones in order to spare a third party unnecessary pain or scandal). After Jones reveals the truth, Clarke later flees without explanation, leaving Jones' honour and respect intact. Jones appears to have reasonably good relationships with both Mainwaring and Wilson, whom he often bribes with meat when he wants his own way. Although Jones' over-keen and sometimes bungled efforts sometimes annoy Mainwaring, the Captain is nonetheless admiring of his ever-enthusiastic approach, and considers him one of his best men, often discussing matters with him and Wilson before addressing the rest of the platoon. His relationship with Mainwaring is also doubtlessly improved by Jones' tendency to flatter his superior officer. His main rivalries are with Frazer, and the Verger, whom he calls a troublemaker. The platoon use Jones' delivery van as transport for their manoeuvres. Jones is very proud of his van, and is often reluctant to allow various modifications used for the platoon's activities. Instances when Mainwaring causes the van to get damaged are the very rare occasions when Jones becomes upset with the Captain, at one point threatening to blacklist Mainwaring from his Sausage list to which Mairwaring replied carefully "Steady Jones". However Mainwaring generally dismisses the matter insisting "There's a war on!". As well as keeping Mainwaring and Wilson buttered up with bribes of meat, Jones often does the same with various other townsfolk when needed. His assistant in the shop is the "boy Raymond". On informal occasions, Jones is often accompanied by Mrs Fox, his love-interest. Mrs Fox is a busty middle-aged widow, and a regular customer at Jones' butcher shop. In the final episode, Jones and Mrs Fox get married (it is implied she married him for his supply of meat). Jones has a habit of making inadvertently smutty remarks, such as asserting to Mainwaring that policemen hide behind bushes "when knocking people off", or referring to women who order meat from his butcher's shop as trying to "get a bit on the side". He is completely unaware of the mildly sexual nature of such comments, which often irritate and/or embarrass the others, particularly Mainwaring. It is also noted that Jones once kept wicket in the rear of the great cricketer Ranjit Sinhji, who was ''an Indian gentleman and upstanding man until he whipped his bails off. It was also stated in the episode ''Room at the Bottom'', that Jones is a member of the Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes. Medals Jones is seen wearing his ribbon bars throughout the series and recognise his previous service in the British Army. They are as follows: Medal images will be added. 1. Egypt Medal (1882-1889) 2. Indian General Service Medal (1895-1902) 3. Queen's Sudan Medal (1897) 4. Queen's South African War Medal (1899-1902) 5. King's South African War Medal (1901-1902) 6. India General Service Medal (1909) 7. 1914 Star (or 1914–15 Star) 8. British War Medal 9. Allied Victory Medal 10. Long Service and Good Conduct Medal (with post-1918 ribbon) 11. Khedive's Sudan Medal (1882-1891) 12. Khedive's Sudan Medal (1897) Category:Home Guard Category:Citizens of Walmington-on-Sea